This new year found me anxious, nervous and not in a very good frame of mind.  So we threw a New Years Day party with friends.  That helped alot.  I wasnt able to run the Resolution Run on New Years, due to a lingering horrible cough.  There will be other races.  I know.  Still, made me mad.  Then I had my next procedure to normalness.  Tattoos!  Oh, man talk about anxious and nervous and totally conflicted.  I had never considered tattoos BBC.  (before breast cancer)  Wasnt a thing I thought would be something I ever did.  But the day arrived.  It was time.  Lets go.  Come on get in the car.  Stopped dragging your feet.  Come on.  Move it woman or I am picking you up and throwing you in the car.  Okay it wasn’t like that.  I hate to be late for any kind of appointment.  I was ready.  (sort of)

I was also very stressed.  Cant explain it.  Not justified in my thought process.  But I went.  Of course I went.  There was no doubt that I was gonna do this.  (well maybe a little doubt)  Got to the office.  My plastic surgeon has special days every three months set aside just for this tattooing process.  He has brought in a very good artist and the procedure is done in the office using the special tools that the doctor has.  Hubby and I , (yes he went, of course he went, who else would have got me in the car?)  had a short visit with the doctor and then the tattoo dude comes in.  Okay, back up, little info about what I was thinking.  Okay you’ve seen the tv shows, you’ve seen the shops along the streets, you know, the ones you wouldn’t dare be caught in let alone talk to the people in the shops.  Thats where I was.  But you know, if I have learned anything along this crazy cancer journey, it is, I know nothing! and I just need to relax and not allow my mind to play these games of self doubt and worry.  The tattoo guy was great. ( gee, like he was a real person or something) Talked with us about how the procedure was going to go, explained the aftercare needed to allow the new “tats” to heal, just all around  nice guy.   The tattoo guy and my doctor had looked at my before pics and helped me decide on the best coloring blah, blah, blah.  So everything was decided.  Now to get’er done!  The great thing (really?  theres a great thing about reconstruction???) was I still have no feeling in my new breasts, so I really didn’t feel anything, except some pressure.  That was cool.  It took about an hour, I guess, I have no idea, I went to my happy place.  So, got done and bandaged up and headed home.  That wasn’t so bad, mmmm how about a little ladybug or dragonfly???

Aftercare for a tattoo is, ummmm, lets say, interesting.  Plastic wrap?  Really?  Plastic wrap!  Okay.  So the new tattoos had to have special little “plastic wrap” bandages over them for the first 5 day.  Each day, about 3 times a day I would have to make new, ugh, what to call them, covers?  yes, lets go with covers, to go over the area and also apply anti-biotic medicine to help healing and avoid infection.  I also had to place some paper towel type bandaged just below them to allow for any bleeding or ink to drain away and not stain my clothing. They healed beautifully.  No scabs (yuckky) or any problems.  By day 5, I didn’t need the covers anymore and the area started to peel, like a sunburn. For the next week  or so I had to apply some lotion to keep the skin soft.  I can do that, my legs could use some lotion too.  Now they look great.  The tattoo dude said the ink would fade and my next appointment in March will be to fill in any areas that may have been missed.  I made the appointment, but I dont know.  Maybe this is good enough.  We shall see.

The other most awesomest news, and the day I have been waiting for, finally came.  January 8, 2011.  I am now OFFICIALLY a cancer survivor.  That sucks.  No wait.  I mean thats great, it is just a group I never thought I would have to join.  But I did and I have some amazing company.  My friend up north, she celebrated her one year too.  My hubby has 8 years under his belt.  My chemo buddy is fast approaching her one year.  My new friends from the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls, wonderful and inspiring ladies.  It has been one hell of a year.  But now I can start this new year with some new goals.  Some new friends.  Some new hopes and dreams.

But thats all behind me now.  Whew.  I made it.  I am approaching my cancerversary, and I know I am gonna be okay.  I wasn’t able to run the Resolution Race this year, like I had planned, due to a horrible cough and headache that I have been fighting since Dec 18.  Why does it seem like everytime my family goes on a vacation, I get sick?  Not just the sniffles or an easy cold, but I mean SICK.  This year was no exception.  I have been dreaming of the ocean since February 6,2010 when I woke up from my bilateral mastectomy/reconstruction surgery.  My family changed our annual ski trip for a trip to the Bahamas.  And I got sick.  The day we left, I knew it was coming, I tried to stall it, no good.  Ugh.  But it worked out okay.  I got to sit for several hours and listen to the ocean and feel the wind and sink my toes into the sand.  And it was okay.

Note to self!!!!  NEVER stop any kind of hormone suppressant or inhibitor or anything like that before you leave on a trip.  I have been having some bad side effects from the Arimidex and so my Onco dr. suggested I stop taking it and the symptoms should clear up in time for my trip.  Okay.  Cool, I thought.  I wont be walking around like an old grandma lady and having my hands and feet swell and not being able to stand up or sit easily.  Cool.  Lets do it!  OMG!!!! What the @#$% was I thinking?  Yes those nasty symptoms went away and I was able to easily climb stairs, run around with the family, well except I had a horrific cough.  But the worst of it was my emotions were out of control.  Yelling, crying, screaming,  not pleasant.  At least I was not near any sharp objects and I was on a cruise ship, so I couldn’t run far.  Ugh.  Not pleasant for my hubby and kiddos.  But we made it through it and I didn’t kill anyone.  The hormones are a bit more under control, and I am feeling less moody.  So next month, I get to try a new hormone inhibitor.  Oh, dear Lord, please pray for my family.  Hopefully the side effects wont be so bad.  (thats what I keep whispering to myself every night)

My last surgery in October has healed and I got to go bra shopping!  I have some new “pretties” and I feel so pretty in them.  And the best thing is, THEY FIT!  I know.  How cool is that.  I actually have a selection to choose from.  Totally cool.  I am having to learn how to shop again because I am such a different shape now.  I can wear things now that I only wished I could before.  It is so damn cool.  The best part of all this @#$%, is the fun new clothes I am getting to wear.  I bought a string bikini!  and I wore it!  (Okay now about that extra few pounds)

Life is looking good for 2011.    My hair is growing out and I actually had to go to the stylist and get it cut!  My scars are healing and fading.  I am trying to exercise more and eat healthier.  (not that we didn’t eat good before, we did, just trying to eat better)  My neuropathy in my hands is fading.  I will find a hormone inhibitor that doesn’t have such bad side effects and  I will be celebrating my birthday in 2 weeks. I am married to the most amazing and wonderful man and I love him dearly.  I have 2 incredible kids. Life is good!

On the other side of things, I am down.  I am struggling with some sad moments and it has been really hard the last few weeks. My body is sore and achy and I am very moody from the Arimidex.  I have developed a tingling sensation in my hands and toes.  Sometimes I can’t hold a pen to write my name.  Have to see a new doctor for these symptoms.  My eyes are crap, cant see close, cant see far away, ugh!   I haven’t been able to run, which was really starting to get fun and I was really enjoying it.  I did walk the Susan G. Komen race this past weekend and that was really awesome.  Next year I will RUN it!  But I am just struggling with stuff.  I am snapping at my husband and kids, and have kinda shut down on my social activities.  Which, I know, is not the right thing to do, but it just really hard right now.  I know I will bounce out of this funk, but …..

So I started writing down, everyday, things I am thankful for.  And I have alot of things to be thankful for.  It helps.  I am very lucky I caught it early.  The treatments are working and I am healing .  My family is very supportive.  I am one lucky girl. blah blah blah…

Enough, whining. Geez, ya big cry baby snap out of it…

Best news so far, my curls are coming back!  My hair is really growing fast and it has started to get a little curly.  So excited about that.  It is still short.  It is also still pink in spots, and I am having to style it.  Can I get another WHOOP! WHOOP! and an AMEN!  I have never had my hair this short.  Ever.  Never.  And I like it.  Now, I do get really bad “bed” head in the morning, but so what, and yea!  I have met some new friends that are about a year out of treatment and some of their hair styles are so cute, can’t wait!

Thanksgiving is coming.  I am so thankful.  I am so blessed.  WHOOP! WHOOP! and an AMEN!

Tuesday morning, 5:45 am at the hospital.  Checked in, ready to go.  Surgery time is scheduled for 7:30.  Plenty of time to meet and talk with all the people who are gonna be working on little ole me.  The pre-op nurse, so sweet, great with the needle, made the checkin process nice and smooth.  Anithesiaologist, Anisthegiol…, crap, I dont know how to spell it, the gas guy, you know who I am talking about.  Anyway, met with him, they talked about what was gonna happen, what they were gonna use, blah blah blah,  I have no idea, but, yup, you guessed it, the man was there.  I love my husband.  Luckiest girl in the world, thats me!  He listened, took notes, held my hand, was there when I yelled at him and he still kissed me and loves me.  He rocks.  Anyway, the nurse for the surgery came in to go over more stuff and talk about what she was gonna have to do.  Yup, need a foley, cuz the surgery is gonna be about 2:30 to 3 hours.  She reminded me that when I go pee after surgery it might, well, um, she will try to be gentle, but sometimes there are “nurse tracks” and I will know that someone was there (wink wink, nudge nudge).  Oh, man was she right, it hurt to pee for 4 days.  ugh!  Okay ,so, next!  Then my plastic surgeon doc came in.  We discussed the size, shape and placement.  He used a laser beam for exact measurements and levelness.  Kinda zoned a bit, started to laugh.  Lets face it, heres this doctor using a hardware tool from Home Depot or Lowes to make sure that the nipples are gonna be level on “the girls”.  Please laugh with me, or I just might scream.  Then he had to make some marking for where he was gonna take the skin from.

Okay, I gotta back up again.  Stage 3.  NAC procedure.  aka- I got nipples.  They dont just grab some of the skin on the breast mound and squish it into some kinda nipple shape.  They actually “make” nipples from skin grafts.  Usually they use skin from under the arm, but since I didn’t have enough skin there (really, looks like I have plenty) he had to get some from the lower abdomen, just above the um… well, kinda below the bikini tan line, but above the, um… well, er, um…okay, the hair line.  geez, kinda silly, me getting all modest and stuff now, oh well.  Onward…

So, the doc drew some lines on the lower tummy area where he was planning to do the grafting from.  Now, while he is doing this, I am staring at my man and at the ceiling and at the door and just about everywhere else.  Needless to say, awkward.  He’s a doctor.  This is what needs to be done.  So he’s drawing lines where he is gonna take the skin from and I am thinking to myself, “um, these lines seem really long”  ”maybe they are just guidelines”.  ( eyes closed, head shaking, back and forth) NO! thats how long the ACTUAL suture line is gonna be.

Back track, regroup.  I need to mention that before Tuesday morning I was really questioning whether or not to go through with this part of the procedure.  Skip it.  Dont do it.  I dont need nipple, never liked them before anyway. HATED when I was cold and they could poke your eye out.  I was really thinking about not doing this.  I was worried.  After everything that has happened in the last 10 months, I was kinda freaking about this procedure.  Intuition.  Nerves. Scared.  Not sure what I was feeling, but I just wasn’t sure about this one.  But my man was there.  He listened.  He cared.  He loved.  And it would be alright.  One step closer to normal.  And sometimes normal is okay.

So, anyway, I have digressed…. Surgery went well.  I guessed.  I was asleep.  I do remember being wheeled out of the pre-op room, I got a kissy from my man, went down the hall, through the doors, made the turn, into the room.  Lights…Noises….People…  Dry mouth… Bright lights… New nurse….Hello…  Can I see my husband…Hello….Oh, hey baby…  I have to pee. Nurse tracks. Ouch!

What the hell are on my breasts???!!!  They look like little yellow pillows or fluffy clouds.  They are sewn on!!!??? What the …ouch, it hurts to bend.  Oh, man the bandages are way to big for just a little suture.  FREAKING OUT NOW.

Breathe.

Okay, handsome, I need details.  SO,… the surgery went great, well, except there was a little issue, kinda like a problem and so it took longer and there are new sutures and …. Start from the beginning please.

So the NAC part of the procedure was going very well.  He did the skin graft, waved his magic wand, sprinkled the fairy dust, and poof, nipples!  Silly me.  It was going okay until the doc got to my right breast.  He noticed that my pec muscle had “thinned” too much and so he had to go in and reattach it.  So that meant a longer time under, a new set of stitches. (he did use the already healed scarline from the last procedures).  But its gonna be a bit longer heal time and  so forth, blah blah blah.. I am not  sure of all this.  I actually see him tomorrow for my post-op appointment, and I have a few questions for him.

So healing is going well.  This past week has been a bit of a blur until about Thursday.  It takes me a while to detox from the meds and stuff.  I did get a shower on Thursday and it felt wonderful.  Well, sortof, I have to wrap my chest up in plastic wrap so it doesn’t get wet, because the “pillows” dont like to be wet.  Poor babies.  These pillows have some kind of special petroleum jelly kinda goo on them and I am not enjoying them one bit.  But it just for the week.  I can do one week.  One week is easy.  ( right, sure, no problem, uuuuggghhh!!!!)  So I have to wear the plastic wrap in the shower, only shower from the back and allow very little water to run down the front.  I do this everytime I take a shower.  Which is everyday. Piece of cake!  I can’t wear a bra. So it hurts to bend over, not just because of the pressure on my chest, but because of the stitches on my tummy.  These pillow thing are not supposed to be squished, but I have to wear something.  So I am back to wearing my handsome hubbys big shirts.  I look cute, or so he says. Monday morning cannot come soon enough.

I know, you are saying WHAT!!! How could getting breast cancer make life so awesome.  But its true, so hear me out on this one.

These past few months have been such an emotional roller coaster for me, that I am really having a hard time dealing with alot of these issues that have come up. I wasn’t sure about anything.  I was still very fogging with chemo brain and it was starting to get me way down.  I had to start a new hormone inhibitor pill, Arimidex, and the side effects were really hitting me.  My legs ached, my feet and hands would swell and it was really difficult to walk without my feet just hurting.  And then I started to get back out there and exercise.  At first I was just able to walk for a short distance.  You know around the block and back kinda walk. My legs and knees were not happy with me, and they really let me know that they were not happy with me.  But I gradually  increased my distance and my speed.  My handsome hubby, who is a runner, has been so encouraging and patient with me.  He will walk with me at my pace and then once I am back home, he will head out for a short run.  Well, now I am able to keep up with him.  Not quite as far or as fast, but I am out there running and each day my distance is getting further and faster.  BBC (before breast cancer) I was not much of a runner.  I hated having to wear 2 bras and still be uncomfortable when I ran.  (Not to mention not being able to breathe due to the constriction of the ace bandage type support that I had to wear just so the “girls” would not hit me in the eye) I would make up excuses and stick hard and fast to them.  Well I ran out of excuses, and I am so glad I did. I am feeling better because I am exercising and its going good. Breast cancer made me do it.

I also did something that I probably would never have done “BBC”.  I went to a support group luncheon.  I know sounds easy enough, but it was very hard for me to take that first step.  Heck, it took me almost 6 months just to walk into the Breast Cancer Resource Center, and its right next door to my plastic surgeons office!  But I did and I am so glad that I did.  (damn it. WHY!!! didn’t I do that earlier, yes honey you were right!)  The lady there was so wonderful and helpful.  She put me in touch with a group called Pink Ribbon Cowgirls.  Its a support group for young women with breast cancer.  And I guess 45 is still young.  I think that has been some of my mental problems.  I felt old.  My mother was diagnosed at age 70, my grandmother as well, and here I was 45 years OLD with the old lady breast cancer.  I never knew there was a group for young women, hell I didn’t know women as young as 28, or younger, were fighting this as well.  I just felt old.  But now…. I am feeling better.  I went to the luncheon and was completely blown away by the welcome and friendship that was instantly there.  It was so helpful. On the way home from the luncheon, I cried, and it felt really good.  The cancer made me do it.

And now, I am getting ready to run a 5K in October and one in November.  I did run  (okay, it was more like a really fast walk) my very first 5K on New Years Day this year.  I had been half heartedly training, sort of.  I had just had my mammy grammy and I just knew that bad news was on the horizon, but I wanted to start the year off on a positive note.  And now, almost 9 months later I am a better runner than I ever was.  Well, you really couldn’t call me a runner, but now, I think I am.  And to be honest, I am starting to enjoy it.  And its all cancer’s fault.

The new hormone type pills are started to kick in.  Some side effects that I am having are swollen hands and feet, sometimes my feet are so swollen, it hurts to walk on them and my shoes are very tight.  My fingers are like little vienna sausages and  when I use them, they ache, but the swelling isn’t too bad yet and I am dealing with it.  Another side effect is leg aches.  Like I have worked out real well, but I haven’t, and my muscles are very sore.  Hurts to walk, hurts to sit.  My legs feel very heavy and stiff, but the doctor said this would pass.  If not, then we change the pill to something else.

The other side effect is the moodiness.  My husband says he hasn’t noticed any bad emotional changes, but he’s probably just being nice.  Or maybe he is too afraid to say anything.  The doctor asked today how everything was going and my reply was “sometimes I just don’t tolerate things very well”.  He liked that one. And I guess that is a good way to explain it.  I am just tolerating some things.  I know that these things (whatever they are) shouldn’t be bothering me, but for whatever reason they are just pissin’ me off and I truly have to walk away.  I am trying to be honest with my family and telling them up front, “don’t mess with mom right now”  I am giving them fair warning.  I think that is nice of me.  Tropical Storm Mom, brewing in the area, could become a hurricane soon, be alert and ready to evacuate.  Watch the news, stay alert, be prepare.  Okay, maybe not that bad, but my grandpa did compare me to an ocean, so….I’m just sayin’.

So my last blog I talked about my next procedure, stage 3, NAC.  I wasn’t sure how to talk about this, so I just left it alone, but too many people are asking, so, well here goes… NAC, nipple areola reconstruction.  Nuff said!  Okay, this is a tricky one for me to talk about.  I am slightly embarrassed and very uncomfortable talking about it. ( the word nipple is right up there with crotch and vomit,  in words I don’t like to say or hear)  I actually was not going to have this part of the reconstruction done.  I just didn’t see the point.  (okay, no pun intended)  I really had to do alot of thinking about it.  But as I get further into recovery and starting to see my new shape, well, they need nipples.  Plan and simple. And with nipples come the tattooing.  That is stage 4.  They will tattoo the nipple and areola to look natural.  Cool, okay, if the girls are getting tats, then so am I.  And not just on the girls, but maybe my ankle too.  I know, my mom and dad may totally freak out, but hey, I figure, I am 45 and I just went through something so life changing that I will never be the same, so I am gonna do it.  My man is probably going too as well.  But no matching tats for us, we got our own ideas and that is very cool.  Now we just got to find the right artist to do the work.

Well, my fingers hurt, I’ve been sitting to long and I am not tolerating the noise from the kids, so I need to go for a walk.  I know, my legs hurt, its too hot, blah, blah, blah, but a girl’s gotta do, what a girl’s gotta do!

So, apparently I am done with menopause and am now post menopausal.  Thats so very cool, but I have a question, when was menopause, cuz I missed it.  Darn.  I was so looking forward to the years of night sweats and mood swings and hot flashes, also known as powers surges and all the other fun stuff that some of my friends have started to go through.  I missed all the fun of irrational emotions and yelling and screaming and crying….hey, wait a minute, thats just what I went through the past 5 months.  So, that was menopause?  I thought it was chemo and surgery and the emotional roller coaster that I have been on since January 8th.  So I got a two-fer.  Two things happening at the same time and not being able to distinguish which is which.  Awesome.  So now what…?

Now I have a new pill to take for the next five years to help further reduce the amount of estrogen my body makes.  Since my breast cancer was estrogen and progesterone fed, I have to stop my body from making anymore of that stuff.  This pill will further reduce my chances of breast cancer recurring somewhere else in my body.  Thats good news.  Well except, the new pill may increase all the previous mentioned roller coaster things.  Gee, sounds fun.

I got the best complement the other day.  I was at a function thingy with my family and a lady that was helping me asked “Who is your hairstylist, I love your hair?”  Awkward pause…. Um, its a wig I have no hair right now, but thanks.  It really did make me feel good.  The wig is worth it for those kinds of times when you just want to blend in and for a little while be normal and feel okay.

And I am feeling okay.  Everyday, a little bit better.  I started working in the garden and yard again.  It felt so wonderful just to do some normal stuff like that.  Now of course, it is really hot outside, but still enjoying doing some of the things I haven’t been able to do for months.  I also started to do some light exercises a bit more regularly.    I have to be careful with certain movements and yoga poses, but it feels really good to be moving more.  Of course I am extremely sore the next day, but it feels good.

Had my one month follow up with my plastic surgeon and all is healing very well.  So, stage 3 is scheduled.  Here’s the tricky part, do I continue talking about this stuff or just leave it as “stage 3″.  Oh well, what the heck, I’ve talked about everything else, might as well continue.  I have decided to go ahead with the NAC.  My hubby and my doctor encouraged me and I am trusting their judgement, again, on this one.  So….I had to plan the surgery around some important kid stuff, like football games and school activities, but I am looking forward to this next step in returning to normalness. (normalness, I know its not a word, but it works)

On another note, the hair has kicked in to overdrive and is really starting to come in.  Most of the bumps all over my body have faded away or are much less noticeable.  The fire ant bites that is my skin has subsided as well and I am not wanting to crawl out of my skin any more.  (well, okay, as often )  Sleep is still the allusive dream that taunts and teases me , but I am working on that.  I am working on the extra weight that chemo and, apparently menopause, has added to my body.  I also finally got the nerve up to go into my local breast cancer resource center and the lady there was so wonderful and I got a bag full of goodies and  we talked for awhile and she shared her story and I shared some of mine and why didn’t I do this earlier???(can you see my husband in the background nodding, saying, yeah, why didn’t you) All in all, life is good and I am one lucky girl.  Well, except for the cancer thing.

I am so looking forward to a nice swim in the pool.  Its been 3 weeks and I can now swim.  Yea!  The surgery site has been healing very well and I changed out the steri strips for medical tape.  The tape is suppose to be on all the time and will help with the appearance of scars.  Okay, so nobody is gonna see the scars except me, well and my man, but I am doing my best so the scars are minimal.  Overall I am so glad that I chose this route.  I know I keep saying that, but it is true.  I have some new things to get use to , like sleeping in a bra, but my neck doesn’t hurt and I am no longer a size xlarge.

I went shopping the other day with my daughter and we found some really cute (yes on sale) tops and shirts.  My brain, (stupid brain) just defaulted and I grabbed a few xlarges.  Well, when I got home and we were looking at all the new treasures, my daughter asked, Mom, why did you grab these xlarge sizes.  Unmmn I did, I don’t know, well it should be okay, they will probably fit.  WRONG.  They were huge on me.  YAY!!!!  All the other larges that I got fit great.  I don’t like tight tops for everyday wearing, and these are gonna be great.  But in the future, I gotta double check the size.

Chemo Brain Alert…. So I started this blog on Thursday of last week.  It is now Monday.  Uhhh, what happened???  Well, while driving to the beach on Thursday evening, about 2 hours into the drive, I realized, duh… I forgot to finish my blog about how I have a hard time staying focused and not being able to think clearly and ….Okay, so I had a good laugh, you have to admit it is funny to be writing a blog about not being able to focus and then realizing you never finished it!

The beach was great.  No oil, no tar, no storms, just wonderful beach!  And yes, I wore my bikini and its too big!  My man said he needs to take me shopping so I can get a new one that fits me better.  Well, gee, okay, if I gotta go.. Hey, can I get some new shoes!  Oh and I had to shave my legs.  Which is good news, that means my hair is growing back.  Okay, its a bummer too, cuz now I have to start shaving my legs again.  Oh well… But my hair has really started to pick up speed in the growing department.  It is coming in really well on my head and everyone is saying it is black or very dark brown.  We shall see.  I am still wearing the wig and enjoying that normalness that it brings.  Been looking at some of the styles for short hair, I have never had short hair, and I am hoping to go for the Mia Michaels kinda look.  Spiky, sexy, fun and flirty.  Gee that alot to ask for hair that is only 1/8 of an inch long, but I am dreamin’ big!

The surgery, stage 2, went well and I am healing well from that.  Still sore and can’t lift alot of weight.  The doctor was a little bit mad at me that I was carrying my big purse around.  So I started using a smaller purse with a longer strap, so I am not “carrying” it.  It is just hanging on my shoulder.  Yea, I know, I shouldn’t be carrying the stupid thing around, but I need the stuff in there.  Oh well, I will try and be good….not.  I also am still not up to pushing the shopping cart around, or lifting the milk jug and other heavier things.  So glad it is summer and the kids can help with this.  And its been kinda fun to shop with them again, well except for the new foods that seem to find their way into the cart when I am not looking, but hey, that’s what summer is for.  So the soreness is keeping me up at night sometimes.  Still have to lay on my back and wear a bra at night.  The bra thing will be the norm from now on.  Helps hold the implants in place.  So I have been trying different types of bras to find some comfortable ones for night time.  Its been tricky, cus I am not suppose to wear a bra with wire in it to sleep in.  And really who would want to.  UNCOMFORTABLE!  So I have been trying the sports bras and soft bras.  Found some that work, and some that don’t, but all in all, its going okay.

I have had the question come up, “So, what size are you now?”  Innocent enough question, tricky answer.  Its not like the doctor just put in a size “C” cup or a “D” cup.  He had to fill the space that was there, but still make the shape look natural and normal.  Heck, I am just glad they’re smaller.  Gonna have to go shopping for some new clothes.  Alot of my shirts are a bit big on me now.  And thats a good thing.  I guess some side effects aren’t all that bad.

Another side effect that has reared its ugly head,  weight gain.  UGH!!!  First, I gained weight from the chemo treatments, which I thought was weird, but the doctor said it was perfectly normal. Perfect.  Next I am gaining weight due to my body being forced into menopause.  I say forced, cus it was just fine and doing well before chemo started.  I guess the good news is, I don’t have that thing once a month any more.  Darn, there went my excuse to be bitchy. (like I really needed one.)  So I am trying to eat a little better and have started going back to the gym for a very light workout.  I say light because I still cant lift stuff and can’t move my arms fully, but that will come.  I am walking on the treadmill and doing some leg weight training, but arms are limited to bicep and triceps right now.  I am gonna have to learn some new ways of lifting, because I am not suppose to use the pecs anymore.  Seeing as how they are no longer attached to the rib cage anymore, I am gonna have to be careful.  No more pushups or chest presses for me.  (darn, my favorite…..NOT)  But I will figure it out.

But on a good note, my hair has started to grow again.  YEA!!!!!  So very excited about that.  My head is starting to look less bald.  Now my hair is still falling out, but it is also growing, kinda weird.  I have itty bitty little hairs sprouting up all over my head, very exciting stuff.  What color you might ask?  My man says it looks black.  I dont know, at least very dark brown for now.  I have heard people say that when they went thru chemo or their family/friends went thru it, that the new hair came in some different color and usually curly.  Well my hair was curlyish before and well I don’t know what color it really was, but we shall see.  In the mean time, I am wearing my wig and thinking about getting a new one.  Mmmmm….maybe blond?

I am doing okay with not having any hair.  Really I am, which kinda surprised me in the first place.  Now I have never been one of those kind of people to fuss for hours over their hair.  I figure, why waste good time on something that has a life  force of it’s own.  My hair has never done what I wanted it to do, and believe me I have tried to make it do some strange things.  Well for starters, be straight!  My hair is, well  I need to say, was, kinda curly/wavy/frizzy/whatever.  And after several years of trying to match the “in” styles, I just gave up on it.  That was in college, you know, just a few years ago…  I never had enough time to do my hair, so , ponytail was the default.  I would curl it, color it, straighten it to the point that I really don’t know what my natural color is.  Well except for gray!  I have had a gray patch of hair since I was 16.  And I have been coloring it since then.  And I have been just about every color there is a box for, and some that there aren’t.  Well, now, I don’t really have a choice.  My “chia pet” look is the norm for now.  I actually tried to color it pink a few weeks back, stupid gray, doesn’t want to be pink.  So I have been living with it.

I must say, no hair is SOOO easy.  Wake up, hair is ready.  Windy outside, no worries.  Rain.  HAH, I laugh in your general direction.  The only thing I had been worrying about is getting a sunburn on my head.   (Can you buy SPF 100?)  So I bought some hats.  I am up to about 6 right now that I wear for certain times.  You know, you gotta have the baseball cap, which I don’t wear as often.  I am surprised I don’t. I thought it would be my “go to” look, but I feel uncomfortable in it.  Doesn’t feel right without a ponytail hangin’ out the back..  Anyway.. gardener hat, check, beach hat, check, well actually it is a cowboy kinda hat.  Hat to wear that needs a flower, got 2 of those. Just bought a new hat this week, kind of a floppy straw summer hat, but it was on sale, score!  But sometimes, I don’t wear a hat.

And people still stare.  And I feel kinda naked.  And it’s hard sometimes to see my reflection when I pass a mirror and I do a double take.  Oh, yeah, thats me, ugh, cancer sucks… I have no hair.  Well except for the gray that wanted to stay along for the ride.  I am lucky that it came out so evenly, kinda all over.  Some loose it in patches, or all of it, so the “chia pet” look, I guess, isn’t that bad.  But it gets you down after awhile.  So I have been thinking of getting a wig for about a month now.  You know just to wear when you go out on a date, or to the mall with your kids, or to doctor appointments, or a walk with  your hubby a night.    So I did it.  And I am glad I did.

I kind of surprised my man this last Monday with the idea.  He had the day off, cus of the holiday, so we were just hanging around, not doing too much, you know, holiday stuff.  Anyway, I casually mention, “Hey, wanna go with me to buy a wig?”  Poor guy, you gotta hand it to him, he’s use to this by now.  Throw the man a curve ball, and damn if he doesn’t catch it and say, “Yes, thats exactly what I want to do on my day off, lets go right now”  Okay thats not really what he said, but it was close.

So, off we went.  I ended up trying on about 20 wigs.  Different styles.  Different colors.   It was kinda fun.  Some were obvious out the second I put them on.  Why buy a wig that makes you look like your mother?  Yeah, that ain’t happening.  So the “matronly” wigs were OUT!  Tried long hair wigs.  Out!  The hair felt weird on my shoulders and neck.  So, tried the shorter “do’s”.  Okay dont laugh, but one wig I tried on, we ended up laughing so hard.  I swear I looked like Kate, (you know the one with all the babies and the bad hair and the cheating husband)  That one was easy.  I couldn’t pull it off, not bitchy enough.  So after some more attempts we, and I say we, cuz  I trust my mans opinion in this, we found one.  Kind of blondish with strawberry blond under tones and darker roots.  It actually looks real, like someone went to the salon and paid money for that color.  Kinda cool.   The style is shorter than I have ever had my hair in my entire life, except for that time I got my hair cut in the 5th grade and then immediately started growing it back out.  (not a good look)  I can style it with several different looks and my BFF says if no one knew, no one would know.  (does that make sense, it does to me)  It looks like real hair .

So I wore it to the store with my kids.  And no one stared at me, or whispered to their mommy.  I was back to normal for awhile, and it felt good.